By Cian McDonnell

As a new year dawns, find out what’s in store for you with this month’s Motley Horoscope!


Aries: It’s a new semester, and a whole new you! This month is your chance to rebuild yourself and… make all the same mistakes you’ve made up to this point. Because you’re really bad at changing anything in your life for the better.


Taurus: Someone close to you will catch the Omicron variant, forcing you to isolate for a while. I don’t even need the stars to tell me that – it’s just basically guaranteed for everyone in Ireland at this stage. Better find some good movies to watch.


Gemini: Venus is in Sagittarius this month, as far from you as possible. The goddess of love will be unable to help you, in any new tactics you try, to break free from being eternally single. So it’s not your fault that you can’t find a partner. Or so you keep telling yourself.


Cancer: A foul darkness will envelop your life, making any experience painful to endure. You will be unable to move, eat or drink without an instant feeling of regret. Let this be a lesson – even with as much as you drink, you’re not immune to hangovers.


Leo: Born under the sign of the lion, Leos usually describe themselves as proud, dominant and persistent. To everyone else who knows you, though, you’re just a pain in the ass. So maybe tone down the whole “king of the jungle” thing this month.


Virgo: A change of some sort will happen to you. If you’re in STEM, this change is trivial and left as an exercise to the reader. If you’re in Arts, the change is open to your own interpretation. If you’re in B&L, I’ll need €20 from you to figure out the exact details.


Libra: January is widely regarded as the worst month of the year, in terms of weather, dark days, and lack of things to look forward to. But you can make the most of it, since you darken the atmosphere of a room just by being in it anyway. A normal month for you, I suppose.


Scorpio: After spending way too much time on Netflix last year, now is a perfect opportunity for you to do something more active. Except for the fact that it’s single digit temperatures at the moment, and gyms have so little capacity… it seems any excuse will do for you to maintain an existence without exercise.


Sagittarius: Orion the hunter smiles at you from across the sky, promising that food will be plentiful this month. Of course, if you happen to be vegetarian this doesn’t really make sense, given that vegetables can’t be hunted… but astrology is about simple metaphors, not annoying small details. Work with me here.


Capricorn: Jupiter and Saturn shine brightly in your constellation, two gas giants that heavily influence the “gassiness” of your life. You might try to let out a few silent ones this month, but nobody within ten feet of you will be fooled. It was you.


Aquarius: The Sun will move towards your sign this month, giving you some much-needed brightness in your life. Still, it might not be enough to take away the enduring sadness that comes with being a student (or a person in general) right now. Take whatever you can get, I suppose.


Pisces: On your head you will find a singular grey hair. It means nothing on its own, of course, it’s just a sign of what’s to come. But sooner or later, you’ll have to face the facts: you’re aging, and your mortality is becoming more apparent every day. Have a nice life!

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